I cried today...at a volleyball game!! I felt so silly, childish, and just plain dumb. However, I know why it happened. To everyone involved, it looked like I was a poor sport... just because I was taken out of the game before I had a chance to play front row (for the first time during this league) and give that darn volleyball a good, hard hit to release a little tension. But...it wasn't that at all!! I was just plain frustrated. Frustrated that I had looked for seven months for a chance to play a little volleyball...only to be put in as a setter rather than a hitter just because I am female...ugh. It was because in Utah I had a team and a plethora of women's leagues to choose from where I was allowed to play front row and hit the ball. And there wasn't an egotistical male player in sight...double ugh. It was because in Utah I had other ways of releasing the pent up tensions from the day...like my sister, my family, Ryan's family, and the mountains. It was because in Utah I didn't feel so lonely most days. It was because, in Utah I had countless activities and resources for my kids and me to have a little fun...and I had my favorite person to do it with...my sis!!
IT WAS BECAUSE I JUST MISS HOME!!! I miss my drives up the beautiful Provo canyon. I miss weekly lunches with my cousin, Natalie!!! I miss my family there. I miss Utah weather...ya...I just said that!!! Well, shall we just say I miss everything?
I was so excited to live on the East coast...positive that I would be able to handle the massive change with a little grace and dignity...that went down the toilet today I am afraid. I guess I am not as strong as I thought I was. I am still happy to be here and I know new experiences are good for my family. And I am SO grateful that I do have two brothers and their wonderful families near by. That was definitely a tender mercy!!! I guess I am just a little homesick.
One thing I do know is...you must always strive to enjoy and savor the moments you are in. Because the grass may always look greener on the other side...but it NEVER is. You have to learn to create your own happiness wherever you are and through whatever you are doing. You must never wait to realize what you had only once it is gone...that is no way to live. I never realized how amazingly beautiful and perfect Utah was until I left.
So, I may have cried tonight...but tomorrow I will be happy for where I am and what I am doing now:) Because, I am still a stay at home mother to two beautiful kids, with an amazingly sweet, thoughtful and adventurous husband. And I can still call my family whenever I want!! I am a lucky lady!!
3 comments:
Mare, this post makes me so sad. You are an amazing woman and person mare and give your self a little slack. I think moving away from family for the first time is hard on anybody and I think you have done amazingly well!! You have put yourself out there and played volleyball with people you don't even know, something I don't think I could do! But I am proud of you for doing it because I know what it does for you! As for the stupid guys who think you have to set just because you are a girl...woof. they are lame. you are an awesome hitter and that is for sure what you need to be doing. Maybe you should switch teams or something, I don't know. But just so you know, Utah misses you too! Bad!! you dont' even know how excited I am for you to visit! Anyway, this is turing out ot be super long sorry. I just want you to know that it is ok to cry, I do all the time :) dont' worry about what others think, you are amazing! Love ya mare!
Have those punks not seen you crush the ball? Get out there and show them! I hope things get better for you soon! I miss ya and wish we were playing vball together. I've got like 16 weeks till I even can. You are amazing! Hang in there-soon you will love it there!
Oh Mary....I feel so bad that you are missing Utah. We can't wait for you to visit and do fun things!
Funny Story.......About the same day that you were having this volleyball experince, Kelly and I were playing volleyball with his ward for a closing social activity and I was silently praying that I would'nt have to be on the front row and get hit with the ball!
Love you guys,
Kelly and Jean
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